I wish I would have known this years ago...so I just had to share this with everyone...someone should have told me / us a long time ago.
Have you ever heard a girl say..."I don't want you to fix it...I just want you to listen"? Sure, all of us guys have heard this before...but we still didn't really know how to handle the conversation. We, as guys have been trained to filter through the emotions while a girl is talking to us and try to get to the problem and then subsequently solve said problem. [Girls - every manly man does this, so don't think we're jerks. It's such an issue that there has been a book written about it.]
So here's the deal fellow men...Here's what we should do...as a girl is talking...filter out the problem and set it aside (for now) and just listen to the emotions. Apparently, often times girls want us to listen to the emotions first and at a later time sit down together and talk about a solution. So, that being said, here's how we're (the guy) should often respond..."Wow, I'm sorry, that must have been really disappointing for you."
This is huge! How was I supposed to know this?
To all the girls, who I've had close relationships with in the past, and one in particular...I'm sorry. I promise, I had no idea.
I am not an expert on this by any stretch of the imagination (just ask the one in particular) and I'm sure I've still a lot to learn. I heard about this on Focus on the Family today, check it for yourself http://listen.family.org/daily/A000000204.cfm
If you're a guy and you somehow, either by special revelation from God or otherwise, you knew this information already...Why didn't you tell the rest of us?
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18 comments:
Hi Jason,I am not sure if I know you or not.. I don't see any pictures of you on here.. I went to mbbc with gknee and gretchen and all those guys... good post...I wish everyman could have that read to them (and then quizzed later!)
oh yeah, I hope your dad is doing okay..
just wanted to say hi and God Bless you.. and by the way..
I live in Michigan and it is FRIGID outside.. yet, Smoothie King sounds really good.. I love that stuff!!
keep it real. have a great day and good luck on Valentine's Day.. sounds like you are off to a good start!
Dora (Gonzales) Williams
Jason, I just love you! (Don't worry--Josh is not too jealous.):-)
This is hilarious, as well as extremely insightful. I think most women do not even realize that this is what they desire out of a conversation! So you are way ahead in the game.....keep it up--you will find that woman who appreciates your thoughtfulness!!!
(I am looking for you, by the way.)
Jason, be careful, Sarah might actually find someone for you.
I know this particular fact, but I never remember it in time to use it. Even though I am married to a women, have two daughters and coach women. . .the problem-solving gene runs deep.
Hey there Smoothie King. You kind of know me... Anyway, I was following links and somehow stumbled upon you blog.
I just want to tell you that I am glad you have had "the revelation". Some woman will be very thankful for that! :)
Oh, that was me, Jonell. Abby's friend...
This is bizzare.. If I have a flat tire I want it fixed - I don't want someone to emphathize with me as to "how much it sucks" FIX IT!! BE DONE WITH IT!! MOVE ON!
I say this all tounge and cheek, because I have a wife, and we've had this very same discussion/problem before.
BTW - A renter just called me and told me that they have water pouring thru thier ceiling in an apartment complex that I manage. I told her, Geez, I'm really sorry and that must make you feel awful seeing as you just signed a two year lease agreement... I feel really bad for you, etc, etc... Yet she still wants me to come and fix the leak.....
Go figure! (I was going to put a bunch of random characters in here but blogger says "your HTML cannot be accepted: PHP, ASP, and other server - side scripting is not allowed.")
Well, being a girl myself (wow, I'm thankful that's out on the table now), I will concur this response can be helpful. Yet, knowing guys are natural problem-solvers, I often will go to them in hopes of finding help. For me, I'd prefer a token "ok, so how can I help?" response. And that gives me the option to choose: 1. just need a friendly ear, or 2. got any suggestions to help me out?
Now I don't profess to be the same as other women, but for me, this works!
Dora: Thanks for the comment and encouragment...I've been to MBBC several times, but I'm not sure if we've met either...Smoothie Kings are good all year-round! What I say is, though it may be cold outside, you're still 98.6 on the inside...and that's hot enough for a Smoothie King smoothie!
Sara / Coach C - Hey, I'm not too proud, I'll take all the help I can get finding that special someone...besides, God's in control so it's not like I'd get married to the wrong person. Coach - your life is overflowing with estrogen, I feel for you dude...good luck buddy ;-P
Jonelly - Glad you found the blog [visit often] - Thanks for the encouragment as well!
Jeffo - I know it doesn't make sence to us (guys) I know, I know! But the truth speaks for itself. Plus, I'm not saying to never fix the problem, just not in the first 10 sec. of the conversation. Ladies am I right or no?
Wendles - I appreciate your honesty and you putting you're girl-ness out on the table ;-P Thank you for understand guys more than most!
This post is hilarious! It IS true that most often (in an everyday situation, not to be confused with an ACTUAL problem) when a woman is sharing how her day was or something that is bothering her, she is not looking for Mr. Fix-it to jump in with a solution. Rather, understanding and compassion much better! Otherwise we tend to get frustrated that you aren't "really" listening...I'm sure you have all heard that before.
Anyway it is nice of you to pass this on to your friends!
exactly...
Jeffo - you are always good for a laugh. I completely agree with you though! Especially about the tire.
Jason, it is always nice to at least be sympathetic in the beginning, and then you can feel free to offer a solution once you have "lended your ear". Then the woman feels like you care, but you can still try to fix the problem. How is that for a compromise? :-)
OK, I just have to chime in here and say, yes I know many a female that just want to talk about the problem, but they all drive me nuts. So, while likely the majority of women would appreciate the canned response of "wow I'm sorry," I'd rather have some resolutions and put it to bed fred!
Jason,
Kudos to you for learning to be sensitive to the women. I'm sure it will take you far! I have learned to just let Josh know WHEN I just want sympathy and WHEN I hope he'll problem solve for me! That has worked for us. Pretty much open communication is where it's at!
M-Cat - I am just such a woman. (wanting to just talk and not solve the problem immediately...maybe the next day...but not right now..)
Gret - yep I agree with the open communication...sometimes it's so difficult though...you THINK you ARE communicating and then the other person has NO IDEA what you are trying to say!
I like what Stuart Scott said in one of our sessions, "When I was single I had all the Fruit of the Spirit down pat. Then I began to date my future wife...that upset the cart (or something to that effect) I said, 'Lord, I really like this woman, but she's really dragging me down spiritually' when all of the while it was ME that God was working on...bringing to light, the fact that I had the difficulties" Wow...eye opener!
Dude, are you trying to make some sort of a statement with the color of your blog?
Wow! I am encouraged that several females have commented that my new found sensitivity will take me far in a relationship. However, to avoid the very real risk of a larger-than-life alcoholic beverage can dropping down on me from the sky...I also have to say that I'm glad that open communication has again proven to be key. Now, to try out my new revelation on that special someone...give me a call ;-P
G-knee, did you seriously think I didn't know that about you?
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