How Much Wood Could A Woodchuck...

The Answer We've Long Awaited: In a feature on a website a man provides the following in-depth response to that popular question: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

You have posed an unanswerable question. It’s unanswerable not because the chucking capacity of a woodchuck is one of the great cosmic mysteries. I would be happy to answer your question if you would qualify it in ways that make an answer possible. First, what is the time frame? Are you interested in how much wood a woodchuck could chuck in ten minutes? An hour? A day? A standard woodchuck lifetime? Second, please define what you mean by the word chuck. Do you mean “to toss, to throw with a quick motion?” I hope you do not mean “to vomit,” because this raises in the mind the disgusting image of a spewing woodchuck. Finally, by the use of the word if in your question, you suggest that in reality woodchucks cannot chuck wood, that your question is entirely and hopelessly hypothetical. But to pose your question from such a philosophical position suggests that woodchucks are frauds, that they choose to be called by a name to which they cannot live up. Personally, I have never met a woodchuck who was anything but straightforward and honorable, so I am quite sure that they can indeed chuck wood, and I think you should apologize for implying otherwise.